Costa Paradiso
by Aire Tame Guh
Summary: When two lecherous men make a lousy hotel out of the Villa in Costa Del Sol, the FF7 cast check it out, and regret it!


Costa Paradiso  
  
Disclaimer's return: Yo word up, it's me again. I don't own any of the Final Fantasy characters, OR the Bottom characters. Squaresoft own Final Fantasy, and the BBC own Bottom. All I own of these is a copy of Final Fantasy 7 for my Playstation, and a DVD of Guest House Paradiso, as well as a few Bottom videos.  
  
"…..for those of you who have just tuned in this is Costa Del Sol radio, bringing you the latest news and weather. In the latest news, a busty young fighter with red eyes has unwillingly taken part in the annual wet T-shirt competition after a man with spiky hair cast a Leviathan spell on her. She is now dripping wet with a see-through shirt and fire in her eyes. A crime wave has also hit the area this morning; everybody has ended up losing their Materia. Even newborn Materia without any AP has been filched. Now for the weather. Today's weather will be… sunny. Again. Stay tuned for more news updates as the day develops…"  
  
"….bastards…" a weird man with brownish-blond hair struggled to get out of his bed. Wiping his blue eyes, he turned to the wall and banged his fist against it. "Eddie!" he called as he banged harder. "Eddie!! Another bloody day. Time to get up!" Strange, there was no answer. "EDDIE!!" Richie banged even harder, nearly breaking through the wall. Where on Earth was Eddie?  
  
Meanwhile, up in the bar, a bald man with thick, black framed glasses was barely conscious on the floor. There was no way he had the will to get up. Just for something to do, he tried to remember how many Paradise Cocktails he had drunk last night. Four? Eight? Seventeen, maybe? It seemed about that amount. After his eighteenth drink he was in no fit state to do anything! Unfortunately for him, Richie had gotten dressed and made his way to the bar. Richie kicked the bald man with as much force as he could muster.  
  
"Edward Hitler! What on Earth are you doing lying there!?" Richie called. That's right, he was the infamous Eddie. He staggered to his feet.  
  
"I, err… must have lost consciousness after that wild fight I was in last night…" Eddie replied.  
  
"A fight?" Richie asked. "Well, what happened to you?" Eddie hesitated before giving his answer.  
  
"I had a Paradise Cocktail glass shoved into my face eighteen times." Well, it wasn't that far from the truth. Just about the only reason Eddie agreed with Richie to start a hotel business was to drink at the bar all night and attempt to hit on the lusty busty barmaid, Elise Manson. Speaking of whom, she was behind the bar at the time.  
  
"You have to do something about him; he's caused many a guest from getting across the floor…" Elise said. She had long, blonde hair, hazel eyes, and quite a soft voice. Eddie, who had managed to make it as far as the front desk before staggering, collapsed near the front door of the hotel.  
  
"The Hell is this!?" a loud voice called. Eddie looked up…  
  
A tall, muscular man with a machine gun on his arm was standing in front of Eddie.  
  
"Umm….. hello?" Eddie spoke.  
  
"The name's Barrett Wallace, fool!" Barrett hollered. He stepped over Eddie, so as not to crush his back. Several other characters walked in behind him. A man dressed in purple with blond, spiky hair pressed the desk bell. Richie proceeded to answer it.  
  
"Good morning, sir." Richie said. "Welcome to the Costa Paradiso." Richie noticed Eddie, still on the floor. "For God's sake, Eddie! Get up! What kind of person do you expect people to believe you are? You bastard!" Eddie slowly got up, taking the time to punch Richie in the face.  
  
"Err, are you two always like this?" Cloud asked. "Is it OK if we get a few rooms?" Richie took a good stare at Cloud, then at Tifa, who was standing next to him.  
  
"Aren't you… yes, I've heard about you on the radio…" Richie announced. "You must be the man who summoned the great Leviathan… and you, my dear lady, must be the unfortunate victim… damn, I wish I could have been there…"  
  
"Perv." Tifa said, abruptly.  
  
"Err, yes. Well, Eddie, why don't you take their bags?" Richie asked. Eddie moved closer to Richie, as though he didn't want the guests to hear what was being said.  
  
"But Rich, won't they see?" Eddie asked.  
  
"No, Eddie. Take their bags to their rooms…" Richie replied.  
  
"…and you'll keep them talking… gotcha!" Eddie grabbed the luggage, and made his way wearily upstairs. When there's nine people checking in, there's a LOT of luggage to take. Cloud and the gang started talking among themselves.  
  
"That guy seems kinda weird…" Cloud said.  
  
"You mean the one that's sweatin' a lot, or the bald guy that's got all our stuff?" Barrett asked.  
  
"I think the sweaty man was staring at my chest…" Tifa said, blushing slightly.  
  
"I guess we can't complain. This is the only hotel that allows pets!" Aeris giggled.  
  
"WE'RE NOT PETS!!!" Red and Cait cried out in unison.  
  
"The %$*&^£$ rooms had better be good!" Cid called. Every cuss-word poor Cid said had to be censored to keep his vocabulary in the Final Fantasy spirit.  
  
"I wonder if the baldy has any good Materia?" Yuffie wondered. "I mean, I already cleared out most of this resort…"  
  
"What was that?" Vincent asked.  
  
"Never mind." Yuffie replied, giggling nervously.  
  
It had only been five minutes after checking in, and already Tifa seemed tired.  
  
"All I wanna do is just get some sleep…" Tifa said. "I wish I could sleep, though…"  
  
"Tifa, what's wrong?" Cloud asked.  
  
"I can't sleep…" Tifa replied. Cloud thought for a bit.  
  
"Maybe a hot bath would help?" he suggested. Thinking she may as well try something, Tifa headed for the bathroom. As she started undressing she caught a glimpse of what was going on outside. Yuffie was standing next to a swing with Eddie, and Aeris was swinging on it. 'Hard to believe she's twenty-two…' Tifa thought. Tifa was a little worried since the swing was hanging over a cliff…  
  
"It's horrible here…" Yuffie said, sadly. She didn't like this hotel at all. "This used to be a real boss villa. Now look what's happened to it…"  
  
"Welcome to the real world, kid." Eddie said. Aeris, however, was having a happy time on the swing.  
  
"Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!" she cried. "Swinging is fun!!" At this point everyone in the vicinity lost the belief that Aeris Gainsborough is 22 years old. Yuffie still didn't look happy. Eddie got a flask of whisky from his jacket.  
  
"Here," he offered. "Have a swig o' this, it helps to keep things blurred." Yuffie took a few drinks. Pretty soon she was beginning to feel light-headed. She had absolutely no idea what was going on around her, until a high-pitched, ear-shattering scream broke through her trance. Yup, Aeris had fallen off the swing, and was hanging onto the edge of the cliff for dear life.  
  
"CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUD!!!" Aeris cried. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" the voice behind the scream blew Yuffie back, and caused Eddie's glasses to break.  
  
"Can't you save her?" Yuffie asked. "Or kill her? Or something to stop that awful screaming?"  
  
"I don't know, I can't see a fucking thing!" Eddie replied.  
  
"CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUD!!!" Aeris cried. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
"Come on, little girl!" Eddie said to Yuffie. "The only way we'll save our ears from that prostitute down there is to find this Cloud person!" Yuffie turned in some general direction to face me.  
  
"Eddie must like teasing Aeris as much as you do!" she called.  
  
"Better believe it!" I replied as I carried on typing.  
  
After finishing her bath and redressing Tifa decided to check out the bar. She saw Yuffie being rushed by Eddie.  
  
"Everything's gone completely numb…" Yuffie complained.  
  
"You lucky bastard…" Eddie replied. Tifa just stood there, puzzled. She decided to sit down. Elise came to serve her.  
  
"What would you like?" she asked. Tifa took one glimpse of Elise and gasped.  
  
"Oh, my God…" Tifa stammered. "You are so… busty!" Elise shrugged.  
  
"Only about as big as you." She replied. "Can be a bit of a bugger, really, 'cos I don't get paid enough to afford any orthopaedic underwear. It's a shame really, because if I had enough money, I could eliminate these annoying back pains!" Tifa already felt sorry for Elise. Tifa had always had a bra with correct comfort and support, but she could see that Elise didn't. "So, to change the subject, what drink would you like?"  
  
"I'll have whatever's hottest, please." Tifa replied. "I tried taking a bath to relax, but it was too cold…"  
  
"I understand completely. I don't know why they do it. Richie and Eddie, I mean." Elise started preparing Tifa's drink. "You don't mind if it's alcoholic, do you?" Tifa shook her head. After all, booze can make you drowsy, therefore it will be easier to sleep.  
  
"You may as well, I've had three already," said Cid. "Hell, when I get back, I'll ask Shera to learn how to make alcoholic tea!" Tifa sighed. 'Alcoholic tea?' she thought. She noticed Vincent in the darkest corner. "Hey, you! Lighten up!" Cid called. "ya can't be all silent and crap forever!" Vincent remained silent and drank his Paradiso Cocktail.  
  
"Anybody seen Cloud?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Yeah, he was talking to the sweaty guy…" Vincent said. He'd finally decided to speak. Cloud walked in, talking to Richie.  
  
"I trust you both washed…" Richie inquired.  
  
"Well, like I said, Tifa tried taking a bath, but the water was too cold…" Cloud replied. Richie gave Cloud a disgusted look.  
  
"God! That's no reason not to wash, is it?" he cried. "My God, we are British, you know. We invented cold showers and baths, you know, to stop people masturbating!" Cloud walked away. "Oh! Oh, maybe THAT'S why you're so upset about the lack of hot water!" At this point Cloud couldn't take any more.  
  
"I don't know what kind of hotel you think you're running, but this kind of conduct is preposterous!" Cid stood up.  
  
"Damn! First the 'let's mosey' crap, now this! Stop saying it like a wimp!" he called. Cloud nodded.  
  
"Sorry. Your system's a sack of crap!" Cloud said to Richie. Then, Eddie and Yuffie came back through the bar.  
  
"Where are you going, Eddie?" Richie asked.  
  
"We're looking for some guy named Rain, or something." Eddie replied. "The childish 22-year-old is hanging off the side of the cliff."  
  
"That sounds like Aeris" Cloud exclaimed. "What kind of hotel is this!?" Richie walked past Cloud.  
  
"Really, I can't claim responsibility for what your giggly little pink friend has gotten herself into…" he said.  
  
"Look, Mr. Twat…" Cloud started.  
  
"It's pronounced 'Thwaite'!" Richie protested.  
  
"Well, it's spelled 'Twat'…" Cloud stated, pointing to the letters on Richie's name tag as he read them. "T-W-A-T… TWAT!" Richie was about to answer back when Eddie came back.  
  
"Richie!" he called. "The giggly girl's been hurt…" Cloud confronted Eddie with a look of worry.  
  
"How badly?" he asked.  
  
"Indescribably badly." Eddie replied. "She hit herself with a frying pan seventeen times."  
  
Red XIII was busy checking the scene out. Eddie was right. Aeris WAS hurt indescribably badly. Sure, she may act like she's on a permanent sugar- high, but not even Aeris would hit herself over the head with a frying pan. Red looked around and spotted Yuffie staggering back to the hotel rooms. Red took a good look at what Yuffie was carrying in her hand. It looked like… yes, it was a frying pan! "Yuffie! Come back here!" he barked. Yuffie didn't seem to hear.  
  
It was now late at night and every minute seemed like an hour. Cloud was still awake, mindlessly counting the tiles on the ceiling…  
  
"Whoooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooo"  
  
Cloud tossed and turned, but he still couldn't get to sleep. And being in a hotel on the edge of a cliff didn't exactly help. He looked to his left. Tifa seemed to be sleeping OK, finally. 'Poor Tifa…' Cloud thought. 'She's had a rough day…'  
  
"Whoooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooo"  
  
Cloud looked to the right. Yuffie seemed to be asleep, but Cloud could only see the back of her. 'Strange… I thought Aeris would have stopped at nothing to try to sleep next to me…' he thought. Well, near enough. She'd stop at nothing short of being hit over the head with a frying pan 17 times by a young and drunk ninja. Speaking of which, Yuffie turned over to face Cloud, and he could see now that she was wide awake…  
  
"Whoooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooo"  
  
"Yuffie!" Cloud whispered. "Will you STOP making those owl noises?!"  
  
"Sorry." Yuffie replied. "I can't sleep."  
  
"Me neither. So, what have you been up to all day?" Yuffie looked up at the ceiling, then back at Cloud.  
  
"I'm not sure. I was with Aeris and the bald guy, and he gave me something to drink. He said something about it helping to keep stuff blurred. I remember nothing after that…" Now it was obvious to Cloud… Eddie had gotten her drunk. "I don't like this hotel…" she whined.  
  
"Nah, neither do I." Cloud replied. "We're heading outta here first thing in the morning."  
  
Meanwhile, down in the bar, Eddie was once again trying to hit on Elise.  
  
"…so I said 'Richie, you do NOT just go after the first girl you see with big tits… you've got to get them drunk, first!' so, how's about a few drinks?" Eddie asked, only to be punched to the floor. Rude of the Turks nearly stood on him.  
  
"…….." Tseng pushed past him.  
  
"Outta the way, Rude! I need my booze!" Tseng ordered as he walked through the bar, followed by Elena. Reno walked in last and pulled Eddie to his feet.  
  
"Oh, no…" Eddie moaned. "Friday night." Elise sighed and started getting the usual drinks ready.  
  
"Ah, the good old weekly lock in at Costa Paradiso!" Reno announced. "Who's up for throwing water balloons at Elena?"  
  
"Just because I'm wearing a white shirt!!" Elena protested.  
  
"All right, all right, but it'll have to be a quick one…" Eddie stated. "We've… got guests…" All of the Turks stared at him in horror.  
  
"You've got… GUESTS!?" Reno cried. Eddie proceeded to tying Elena to the spot, arms out to her sides and feet apart.  
  
"What are you doing?" Elena demanded.  
  
"Well, we were kinda pissed off from not seeing the wet T-shirt contest this morning, so we're hosting our own!" Eddie cheered. "Fire the balloons!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Elena cried as the rest of the Turks pelted her chest with water balloons. "Wait! I have photos of this morning's contest and if you stop pelting me I'll give them to you!" Everyone stopped simultaneously.  
  
"YOU have photos?" Reno asked.  
  
"Yes. Stole them off Palmer, actually." Elena replied. "Here!" The Turks gathered around Elena and the photos.  
  
"WOOOOWW!!!!" Reno howled after laying eyes on the photo of Tifa.  
  
"Those are damn BIG!!" Tseng called. He got a knee in between his legs from Elena. Rude, finally deciding to speak, had one thing to say:  
  
"Cloud's one lucky bastard…"  
  
It finally hit morning, and as Tifa dragged herself out of bed, stretched and yawned, she heard banging on the wall downstairs. "Eddie!! Another bloody day. Time to get up!" she heard. Tifa looked around. Her room was empty. Nobody was there. 'I guess everyone else was in a huge hurry to get out…' she thought. Tifa slipped into some clothes that had been left out for her (by her, in case you're thinking otherwise!), packed up the rest of her stuff and took it downstairs.  
  
Cloud, Barrett, Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Red and Aeris were already waiting outside. Tifa yawned and stretched again. This time she stretched out so much that the bottom of her shirt was crawling up her body. Cloud noticed this and blushed.  
  
"What's wrong, Cloud?" Tifa asked. He blinked a couple of times before replying.  
  
"Nothin'." He replied, trying not to seem too perverted. "Let's get outta here. We'll find a breakfast bar on the road, or something. I don't particularly wanna know what the food's like here…" and with that, the Final Fantasy 7 cast left the Costa Paradiso, hoping it would be closed down the next time they're in the Costa Del Sol area.  
  
Back at the bar, Eddie was throwing cold water on Richie, who slowly woke up.  
  
"Richie! Wake up!" Eddie called. "You've been out for eight hours!"  
  
"Eight hours!?" Richie cried. "Well, what have you been doing all day?"  
  
"I've been trying to rouse you with this hammer…" Eddie replied, holding up a hammer. Richie stood up.  
  
"Well, how could the hotel possibly have kept functioning without me!?" he asked.  
  
"Quite easily, really…" Eddie replied. "All the guests have gone. Including Elise, the lusty busty barmaid…" Richie rushed to the till.  
  
"Did any of them pay!?"  
  
"Err…. No. Not even that stupid-looking fat stuffed toy thing…"  
  
"Did they find the safe!?"  
  
"I'm afraid so…"  
  
"Damn! That means they got all their stuff back, then…" Richie collapsed on the desk. Looks like this business of his wasn't going too well after all. "Our only hopes for business are if the decorators do their job…" he moaned. Eddie pondered for a moment.  
  
"Decorators?" he asked. "What do you need them for?"  
  
"Well, in order to get up a bit of business, I'm having them make a plaque which says 'TIFA LOCKHEART STAYED HERE'." Eddie took a look outside. The decorators had done their job, plus a little extra, thanks to some instructions from a certain Tifa Lockheart. The plaque was a little bigger than intended, and cost more too, which would be coming out of Richie and Eddie's bank accounts. Tifa had left her mark on the Costa Paradiso in the form of a new plaque which read:  
  
TIFA LOCKHEART STAYED HERE, AND THOUGHT IT WAS SHIT. 


End file.
